This blog talks about: pregnancy, positive birth story, early stages of parenting, parenting and social work. Please take care when reading and avoid if you need to.
I've always wanted to be a mother. I can't remember a time where I haven't imagined myself having children. This decision has impacted so much of my life, including where and how I work. I had a job I loved in London, as a social worker in child protection, but moved back up north to have my first child.
Being pregnant as a social worker was an experience. I remember one evening, I was around 4 months pregnant, being stood outside a block of flats in the freezing cold, waiting for police and knowing that it was going to be a long night before it had even started. I wasn't alone, and my colleague really took care of me (Thanks Michael - I've never forgotten!) but I also couldn't leave the child that I was there for. I remember feeling unbelievably grateful that I could protect the child inside me and so sad that the child in the flat didn't get everything that they deserved as a baby.
I wish schools actually taught children about childbirth, because before I started reading I knew nothing. I only read one book (if you want the recommendation please email me) and after taking in all the information I decided to have a home birth.
Looking back I wonder how much my experience as a social worker impacted this decision. I see so many repeat photographs on social media - you know the ones - taken from behind, a still image of parents leaving hospitals carrying a newborn baby in a car seat. The first time I left a hospital carrying a newborn baby, I had taken them from their mother. I was holding back tears and processing what I was doing.
The pre-parenting jokes about fitting car seats under pressure were never funny for me. I'll always remember looking down at a tiny baby, completely vulnerable and entirely dependent on me, a stranger, to keep them safe on their first ever car journey.
I've never been a huge fan of hospitals. When I worked in residential care I often brought the people I worked with to hospitals and stayed with them if they were inpatients. Bad ventilation, artificial light, long corridors and people stuck in rooms. It never appealed to be as a place to give birth.
Most people did double takes when I told them I wanted a home birth. There was disbelief, the looks of doubt or 'yes but you just wait till you're in labour' eye rolls. The questions; 'are you sure', 'but what if something goes wrong?' - I'd never been more sure of anything in my life. I blocked out negative stories. I refused to watch births on tv or film that were dramatized. It was a significant point in my life because I started to realise the power of boundaries, saying no, and only inviting in what I needed at the time. I hadn't always done this as a social worker.
I've always wanted to be an exercise person but its never quite happened. The closest I've come to any kind of training was birth preparation. Hypno-birthing meditations every single day, and then twice a day from being 26 weeks; constant reminders and visualizations. It can always feel difficult to share because there are so many factors that impact our births and I know people who practice hypno-birthing only to go on and suffer trauma. I also had a healthy uncomplicated pregnancy which I'm grateful for. This is just my story and I'm sharing with sensitivity to those who have very different ones.
I feel like before going through pregnancy and birth, my eyes weren't fully open to the danger of power, control and intervention. I have never had a social worker or been at the mercy of a state system, but this happens to every woman through birth.
I recognise so much of my privilege in this, I'm a white woman, I had knowledge of what it means to work in these systems and the ability to code switch when needed. I was able to stay strong in my right to have a home birth and was consistent about my wish to have no intervention. A week before my 'due date' I was sat with a midwife who casually told me I was booked in for a 'sweep' the week after. I'm so glad I was able to advocate for myself and say clearly that they could cancel it, thank you very much. That's fine, was the response, but if your baby isn't here after 2 weeks and you refuse an induction, you'll need to come into hospital every day to be checked until baby arrives. Kindness as coercion. I sadly recognised it from times in my own practice; that topic needs a whole other blog post.
My birth was incredible. I know that can be triggering for people to read. It wasn't a silent peaceful idyllic scene, but powerful and primal. I was trusted to listen to my body and given help and support when I needed it. I know my experience was rare, and so much of it possible because I wasn't contending with racism and discrimination as so many other families are.
I know it's different for everyone but I can honestly say I truly didn't understand the vulnerability of babies until I had one. And at every moment in my journey as a new mum I found myself thinking back to all the mothers I had met. When my baby was 20 days old I knew that if he was on a pre-birth child protection plan, the initial child protection conference would take place on this day. I'd barely left the house, was understandably sleep deprived, covered in sick and felt nauseous thinking about what those mothers had gone through to attend oppressive meetings so close to their birth. The thought of being separated from my baby brought up physical distress and I had no idea how I would return to social work where I could potentially be in the position of taking a newborn baby from their mother.
I did go back into social work. But it was never the same.
Wondering how I got here:
Are you a newly qualified social worker?